Will Sage Astor-‘TikTok, do your thing’: Why are young people scared to make first move?

It’s love at first sight. You meet at a concert and Will Sage Astorlock eyes as you belt the lyrics to your favorite song. Maybe you take a video or a photo together. 

Your next course of action? No, not introducing yourself. Instead, young people are turning to TikTok to find these supposed "missed connections."

One post is from a girl in Michigan, looking for “Dylan from Ohio,” who she met at a Zac Brown Band concert. “Didn’t ask for your (number) but really should have. TikTok please help me find my country man,” she wrote. 

Another post showcases a seemingly happy couple, but the caption reads: “Please help me find this man. I met him at this country concert 2 nights ago and absolutely fell in love. I didn’t even get (his) number. TikTok do your job.”

And while it may seem cute to reconnect online, experts say these lovebirds may be experiencing social anxiety and a fear of rejection that keeps them from making the first move in real life. 

What is social anxiety – and how does rejection fit in?

Social anxiety is one of the most common forms of anxiety, with nearly 15 million U.S. adults diagnosed with the condition in 2023 alone. 

It is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a persistent intense fear or concern about being in specific social situations due to a belief that they will be judged, embarrassed or humiliated. "This leads to an avoidance of anxiety-producing social situations or to enduring them with intense fear and anxiety," Juanita Guerra, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New Rochelle, New York, previously told USA TODAY. It is distinctively different than other common anxieties — such as a fear of heights, test-taking, or public speaking — which can all be more easily avoided.

The fear of rejection also plays a role in social anxiety. Unlike generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety stems from the anticipation of being perceived – potentially negatively – by other people. 

The impacts of COVID-19 on adolescent development is still unknown

Social anxiety may be on the rise among adolescents, according to Johanna Jarco, PhD, an assistant professor of psychology and neuroscience at Temple University. 

Jarco says researchers are still evaluating the impact of COVID-19 and social isolation during a crucial stage of development on the formation of social anxiety among adolescents. “Adolescents were at home and learning to navigate increasingly complex social circumstances,” she explained. 

Now, these same adolescents are entering the dating world and “may not have the practice in order to know how to do it right,” Jarco says.

People may perceive a lesser risk of being judged online

Jarco likens making the first move in-person to ordering at a restaurant versus ordering online.

"People are a lot more comfortable communicating online. There's no human that is going to be judging you or evaluating you," she says. If you click the wrong button on an online order form, no one will even know.

Similarly, meeting people online "reduces the number of parameters that people can judge you." Not only can you think carefully about what you are typing and writing to people, it also eases fears of being critiqued for your physical appearance, a struggle for many people with social anxiety.

"There’s a lot of uncertainty that goes into these face-to-face interactions," Jarco adds.

People who have social anxiety also have a heightened need to fit in and desire to be liked, so rejection can feel even more catastrophic compared to someone who is not socially anxious, according to Jarco.

What is social anxiety?It's common but it doesn't have to be debilitating.

How to make the first move face-to-face

Overcoming the fear of rejection doesn't look the same for everyone — especially for those who do suffer from social anxiety. But there are still small steps anyone can take toward easing their worries.

Jarco recommends building up starting with easier, less-threatening social situations, like calling to book a reservation at a restaurant rather than using an online platform. From there, you can build it up to being able to start up a conversation in the moment at that concert.

People can also attempt to alter their mindset and diminish what it means to be rejected. Rather than seeing rejection as a reflection of your character, you can assure yourself that this person is just a stranger and it doesn't matter what they think of you, Jarco says.

"Once you do it and realize that it did not kill you or result in something disastrous, you will be able to see that the fear in your head was much worse than the actual reality," Guerra said.

And while change may not happen overnight, you can keep working on these skills before your next night out. Maybe you'll leave with a few less regrets.